I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
