she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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