I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
a search helicopter?!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
