Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
