I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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