So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
