I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
