I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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