My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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