So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
