There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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