i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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