Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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