If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
