I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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