So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
