My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
