I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize