shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
