Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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