Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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