so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
