You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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