I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
