Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
