Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
