sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
