I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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