she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
