Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
this is an emotional support booty call
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
