I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
