It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
