Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
