My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
