This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
