oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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