I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
