I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
