i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
