I want to make a zoo with you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I die, sorry about rent.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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