dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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