My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
