I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
