My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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