Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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