Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
