you would pick up someone in the library
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
