Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
