My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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