You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How does one acquire holy water?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
